I lost 30 pounds before I got married. Two years later- all back. I feel disappointment, and I dont know how to lose it again. Each time I look in the mirror I realize I really have disappointed myself. I worked so hard and now its all in vain. I have a wedding to go to in a month, and its also my anniversary that same weekend. I want to look as good as before, but I can't lose 30 pounds in a month can I?
The worst part is shame. Feeling shame infront of family and friends. We live in a society that judges us by our looks. when I was thin- I know the looks I got. Now I feel like a nothing. A shapeless, sexless person worthy of nobody's desire.... it's a horrible way to feel day in day out...
so i guess the question is....why do i do it? Why do I continue to let myself be this way? I know that I can change the way I am. Its in my control....... yet I consciously eat the trail mix nuts....consciously eat the fried burger..... find a billion and half excuses not to work out.....
I want to change, but I wish I knew what inside of me prevents me from reaching a goal entirely in my hands?
Am I scared to be sexy again?
Am I more comfortable with fat?
Do i like food more than my desire to look good?
Do I think I deserve to feel badly about myself for all time?
Haven't figured out these answeres yet.
But as I did a week ago, and two weeks, and each week for the past year.... tommorow is a new day and I will begin my diet.
